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Tuesday, August 28th, 2001
12:29 am - the old hanson home

I just have to say that I love this photo because it's like the picture of suburbia and that's something which feels familiar. it's like "oh, you were normal once?" too bad i think they moved.

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Monday, August 27th, 2001
11:29 pm - these the technicalities
Dear Livejournal,

It's been fun but you've gone so sour. Stop giving me error messages. and don't even try to sell me a goddamn teeshirt.

love noel.


I'm pretty certain I'm going to move journaling over to huck.diaryland.com because I can't stand this lj crap anymore. Anyway this has been a nice little summer 01 journal that I'll have packed away and I'd maybe like something fresh and more significant for the school year. i usually have more important things to talk about then and anyway i won't have the time to update three times a day. Plus i already made a really pretty image for it.

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Saturday, August 25th, 2001
4:06 pm - Drool.
From People April 21, 97

Teen Bedrooms
The No Tresspassing Signs Come Down As Young
Stars Show What's Off-Limits to the 'Rents

When working on his ABC sitcom Boy Meets World, Rider Strong, 17, lives in an L.A. loft, but the rest of the time he chills out with friends in his attic nook at his parents' redwood home north of San Francisco. "They all sit around and play games," says his father, King, a San Francisco firefighter. "The next thing you know, it's 3 a.m. and they crash wherever they are." Rider, who also shares the house with mom Lin, a retired schoolteacher, and brother Shiloh, 18, says, "L.A. is where I am an adult and here I'm still a youth. I love coming home." Here, he writes poetry on his laptop computer and communicates with his fans via his personal Web site. He decks the gray walls with his collection of swords and rapiers ("I've always been obsessed with medieval stuff," he says), a photo of gal pal actress Rachael Leigh Cook, 17, and a map of the U.S. ("I put in red pins where I've been and green pins everywhere I'm going to go"). And Rider is constantly scoping out new acquisitions for his collection of first-edition books, including a signed copy of John Steinbeck's Of Mice and Men. "That's my most prized possession," he says.


People Magazine

"With cloning on the horizon, stars reveal who they'd like to see more often"

Rider Strong, actor: "Poet John Keats. I would like to know what the definitive young romantic would have to say living in a post-existential age."


So. I get the feeling somehow that he's very intelligent in the book savvy sense. He travels, my continental man. He prefers plays over movies. He writes poetry. He writes. From just those few lines on his web page that is obvious. I've been in love with him since grade 4? 5? - for his looks and his character. But we've grown up now. I've had a handmade poster of him on my wall for the past year and still I've never really taken the ten minutes to search his name, read articles and biographies and find out just the slightest bit about him as a real person. He's too much like someone I would admire and love to know. Forget taylor hanson and his ego and his screaming minions. I know, I know. whoa is me and my superstar crushes but I can't help feeling like I've just been starstruck in a much more poignant way. Understandable?

I'm going to write him. He strikes me as the type who, if I wrote an intelligent enough letter to and if I waited patiently, I might, just might on a rainy day get a reply back from. Yes that is being hopeful. but please please don't laugh. what more could you expect. I'm just a teenage girl after all.

The new waiting-for-replies list:

Gale Harold
Rider Strong

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Wednesday, August 22nd, 2001
1:35 pm - sweat.
Desiree and I are very much intent on getting our navels pierced together at Christmastime.

That was last night when she ruined my normal schedule by keeping me on the phone until 4am. Not that I mind.

/ I'm at a crossroads. I can't decide whether I want insane notoriety or complete reclusion.

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1:27 pm - oh god no

I knew it was coming sooner or later. Help me.

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Tuesday, August 21st, 2001
1:35 pm - oh Harry
I went out with my dad this morning. It was a bit strange to be outside at such a horrid time of day, but this is why going out with my dad is a good thing. Stuff for me: The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath, another pillow & a Harry Potter blanket (!!). Can you feel my excitement.

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Monday, August 20th, 2001
8:44 pm - I need a nail file
I made this as a bit of a place to put up random specs of writing, because nothing I'm writing nowaways is ever part of a whole. Whatever whole is. But who knows how long it'll keep my interest anyway. We shall see. I also updated /pele with a lot of nothingness.

Very cloudy day. It rained earlier and I made spaghetti. Dad was looking up prices of digital cameras earlier too. over-whelming-joy. Now I'm watching Weakest Link. wow.

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Sunday, August 19th, 2001
4:55 am - dreams
Well. I've just awoken after about thirteen and a half hours of sleep. From around 3pm to now, 4:30 am. I guess I was pretty goddamn tired. It was an on again and off again sleep, but the times I woke up were only for about a minute. I feel weird now, not because of the amount of sleep but because of the number of dreams I had. And most of them I can remember incredibly well.

Maybe the first dream I had I was going back to school, only school hadn't officially started yet but I had to go, for some reason. There were a lot of other people in school and I remember Jesse clearly, because we were hanging out together I think...And not really much else from that, except then I remember that I was sleeping in the dream, and thinking that I had to get up for school the next day, in the dream, but then I remembered that school hadn't officially started and so I didn't have to get up and I was relieved.
The longest and most weird/frightening one was this one about ghosts and other paranormal things. I was in the apartment and dad wasn't here and all of these freaky things started happening. I can't start describing them because they'd sound stupid if i did, but it was just so real. I ran out of the house screaming (and for some reason intent on locking the door) and then dad and I got in the elevator which somehow turned into a subway which brought us to this like underwater station place where we got on a boat or something and eventually we ended up in the underwater supermarket, like an underwater Pathmark, which I'm convinced has appeared in my dreams at least once before.
I also had a dream about my mother. I was in New Jersey, living there still I think, but she was moving out and so she was giving her room to me. But her room didn't look like it really does. It was a lot bigger I think and there was different furniture and just everything was different. Anyway we were arguing about something but then I remember us sitting on her bed and me about to cry because I didn't want to lose her, and I was about to tell her that but I didn't.
There was another dream where I think it was me and Desiree and Fatima hanging out in New Jersey, but the thing was we were camping outside and then my brother and his friends were there but I refused to sleep outside and then I remember the police coming for some reason and I also remember some rusty water and going to the mall.
The last dream I had before I got up was this one where I was in a Walmart type store with all these little children and we were making things out of Legos and paint.

There's another one I remember but don't care to discuss, and then I'm certain there were at least one or two more which I just don't remember. It just feels so weird and heavy, though, like I'd fallen in way too deep or something. I can't remember having that many dreams in one night ever before, although the two days that I slept in dad's room I had three extremely vivid dreams which I remember perfectly even now. All of this is confusing me, because I've never even been a really big dreamer - I think more nights than not I used to go without dreaming at all, or at least remembering any of them.

So. What does it all mean? That I have too much going on in my life right now or that I'm crazy or what?

current mood: indescribable

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Saturday, August 18th, 2001
6:50 am - as the world turns...
Today is Fatima's birthday yay!!! I've already sung her the birthday song and so there's not much else to do except remind her that she is greatly loved and admired by her little heart murmur. :) 19. wow. I'm such a baby.

I'm smiling this morning though. It's good and I'm really starting to like being awake in the morning. Early morning, though. I have a new favorite time of day, around 5-8 am. Everything is still nice and cool and fresh and there's no one out and it's a new day in the city. I don't like most other hours of daylight, though. I went out yesterday I think it was, just for a few minutes to go down the street and drop something off, and this was around 12 in the afternoon I think, but man the sun was shining and getting in my eyes and there were people out and around and doing things and I was thinking to myself something along the lines of, oh my god, the world still does function. I feel like I've been out of it for so long. I don't really know how I'm going to go back to school in this condition.

Today is Saturday. I don't like Saturdays because there's no Maury. goddamn.

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Thursday, August 16th, 2001
8:56 am - they take their time. like weezer.

That graphic does not do our seating justice.

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8:48 am - sour grapes
Lift of extremely expensive things that I seriously want:

digital camera, guitar, watch, new dresser, new blanket/bedset, loft bed & desk, lamp, paint, my room painted, Requiem For a Dream, Stand By Me, Brokedown Palace & Girl, Interrupted dvds.

This obviously poses a problem as I have no money and we are not rich. I can expect probably 1-2 of those things for my birthday, another 1-2 for Christmas, and then maybe 1 for just being good. But that is much too long to wait, and some of those things are so expensive that I'd just plain feel bad for making my dad get them for me. The thing is that he probably would, if I convinced him that I need/wanted them enough, but then I'd feel terribly guilty for making him spend so much money that I know we probably don't have to spend. As it is I'm already going to have to get clothes and other things for school, which adds up. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and I've been thinking about a job. I think next summer I definitely want to do something, but aside from that the only other thing that comes to mind is babysitting. I don't really have a problem with babysitting. I think I used to hate the idea of it but I really don't anymore. And Sonja gets $10 an hour for babysitting, which is not bad at all. The problem is just finding people to do it for. It'd probably involve something tacky like making fliers and putting them with peoples' mail. I'm just not the soliciting type. So. I don't know. I guess I'll see.

I cleaned my room last night which was quite a laborious task (and which was what brought most of those things to mind). It took me about an hour and a half, and it's not near to perfect, but it's better. I'd been sleeping on the sofa or in my dad's bed because there was so much crap on mine and I didn't feel like moving it all off. But now it's better. Good.

I'm watching Maury. I feel better about today.

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Wednesday, August 15th, 2001
6:50 am - something blue
I have the remnants of a headache still with me. Ow. I think it was from the bit of obligation that I had to take care of earlier today. That or I've been eating shitty. Come to think of it I'm pretty sure this is the first headache I've had since school ended. During school, please, they're commonplace. Now that proves something. Right.

Not much else except that for some reason I have a lot of energy this morning. I feel like I could go out and run or something, and that would probably be a good thing for me if I did, but I won't, because I'm not motivated enough. But I feel a little better too, than how I've been feeling lately, for some reason. I don't know what it's all about but I'm trying to fix it. I read some old journal entries and things. It's funny.

Whenever we get down to the last quarter or so of the summer I'm always thinking about school and it's always dampening my sunshine. What I need to do is stop thinking about that and make use of the rest of my time. A funny thing is that I sort of feel a bit guilty for doing what I've been doing lately - sleeping too much and at insane hours, doing heaps of television and movie watching and... well, not much else. But really I shouldn't, because that's the whole point of vacation, is it not? Kind of, kind of not. I feel bad about not writing, that's for sure. Because soon I won't have the time and then I'll be crying even harder.

Maury comes on soon, ooh.

current mood: okay

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Monday, August 13th, 2001
7:32 am - A follow-up on that last post
emote.org/pele. There's not anything much yet. I might add more. might not.

lonely as I am
together we cry

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Saturday, August 11th, 2001
7:15 am - Keep myself awake
I'm still awake. Getting tired. I think I'm making a website. Just for my own entertainment. And egotism. Or something? I've said this before. I would perhaps call it Insomniac but you know that's too played out.

I feel separated from everyone and everything lately.

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4:14 am - Goodbye my friend
I don't think I feel too good right now. About a few or maybe a lot of things. Probably more like a few in particular. I haven't been doing much, but the weather has been making it very unamiable outside. It rained today and I got wet, and the past two days it's been one hundred-something and they were urging us to turn down our air conditioners. Well.

My brother is leaving for good to go to California early this morning (in about an hour I think). I don't know if he's aware of the fact that I'm incredibly jealous of him or not. Probably for more reasons than one. I don't know if he's aware of the fact that I'll miss him a good deal too and that I'm glad I got to spend the time I did with him. (We grow up, things change.) In my mind this is sort of the last straw in the breakup of our family (what little there is). That's what I mean by sad. I haven't seen my little brother in about two years. I haven't spoken to my mother in a year. And now my older brother is gone. Furthermore New Jersey is basically crossed off the official list of homes. Yes, I know I still have a house there - but no family. No home. That's what I mean by sad. When I was there I actually asked Desiree if I could maybe come and spend Christmas at her house. As in, the actual holiday itself. I miss our holidays. I miss our family. On the goddamn bright side: I now have a contact in California. I've never even stepped foot in there before.

August is slip slip slipping away. I want it to be summer forever. In another sense I wish school would go ahead and come back so I can start going through the regular motions again.

childhood living is easy to do

current mood: sad

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Thursday, August 9th, 2001
7:05 pm - I want you near
Apparently I missed Hanson being in NYC for about a week while I was gone. i haven't quite decided yet whether I'm devastated or not.


we have a continent that sometimes comes between us
but that's okay
i love you
even when i'm sleeping
when i close my eyes
you're everywhere

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Monday, August 6th, 2001
5:56 pm - Moving boxes       (tomyright)
Right now my brother is upstairs playing Pachelbel and I can hear it and wow. things. I think that if I listen to more of this, along with a book that I found on my mother's bookshelf, The Metropolitan Museum of Art Guide, I may be able to write. ha!

So okay. This is a nice feeling. Because the feeling I've been feeling the most lately is creeped out, kind of. Yes a creeped out mood. One morning in the shower I refused to close my eyes & so I sacrificed washing my face. For fear of...? & the other night when my brother and his friend ran out and I was dead tired, I would not go to sleep in my bed until they returned and I knew I wasn't alone. And even then I kept my bedroom door open so that I could see the hallway light & hear my brother's voice on the phone. I . Don't . Know . Why . It may have something to do with the past two nights, in which me, my brother, Katie & Jason took trips down to the cemetary and sat around trying to conjure up some spirits on our Ouija (yesyes) board. We got a couple. But the thing is, the Oujia board itself never really freaked me out. It was more just the sitting in the middle of a graveyard at 11 at night. Or whatever. i don't know. I hope this passes.

What else. I went to Cape May with Kim the other day. It was very much fun. My favorite thing about it was all the beautiful Victorian houses there. So. When I am rich, Cape May will be the new location for my summer house. No pork. She got me this gorgeous skirt and a shirt to go with it. And then she took me to dinner at a place with a menu full of things I had no idea what they were. But it was nice anyway. I had some strawberry soup. And the music was nice.

I slept over at Des's last night because originally we thought we'd be leaving tonight. Anyway we sat around downstairs watching old Hanson tapes, obsessing over them just like we used to, only in a different perspective now... it was great. So great. This morning we washed some cars & then her dog, bringing in some money. Not much. Enough to take us to the movies tonight, perhaps, if we so choose.

We're definitely leaving NJ tomorrow evening, going back up to the smoggy city, and I'm not sure just how I feel about that. Happy in some ways, not in others. I highly doubt I'll be back here again this summer, and in a bigger way this is just the end of something. a lot of things. And that's sad.

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Friday, August 3rd, 2001
2:23 pm - sillyness
I had a dream that Desiree and I were at a hanson concert and somehow managed to dash up to the first row. There were seats but we somehow ended up swinging on swings instead. But about 2 songs into the show they had to stop the whole concert because there was a bomb threat. We . were . utterly . devastated . What does it all mean. Fatima!?!?!?

(Last night my brother was in the bathroom with his girlfriend & Desiree and I like little kids crawled next to the door very silently & had to restrain our laughter. oops.)

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2:15 am - Round here something radiates
I love taking walks around this neighborhood. I can go for as long as I want, and as late as I want, because, to paraphrase my brother, and quite correctly, "It's not like there's anyone who's going to molest you or anything." It's extremely Pleasantville, only 4 or 5 different models of houses & many with very manicured lawns and the like. The main thing is that I like walking in the dark, which I'm entirely unable to do in the city. There's no one to have to see, the darkness is more comforting, and here all I hear (without my walkman) is the bugs and the birds. Other than that the sound of silence. The streetlamps. And fresh air.

current mood: nice

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Thursday, August 2nd, 2001
2:30 am - Smeltering heat
I'm really tired now. But today was a good day. I was whining to Desiree about that book I wanted to read and when we were walking over to take care of Kami's dog we found Jason, who offered to take us somewhere because he was waiting for my brother to get back and because we love him. We went to the Cumberland mall which did NOT have my book, then all the way up to Hamilton & the Borders there where I did find it. after some fuss. Des got The Virgin Suicides & I told her I'm borrowing it from her once she's done. She also ripped out a beautiful Prada advertisement from a magazine for me, which is hanging next to my bed. Anyway then we went over to the Hamilton mall where we tried on makeup and clothes and things, and we tried to make Jason be gayer and try on some too, but it was just fun & I think he liked hanging out with us & we liked hanging out with him too.

We were supposed to do something like go to the shore tonight, but then Lane was in a mood because Katie couldn't go and I guess I don't blame him. So Desiree just came back over here & we were acting stupid all night, my throat still hurts from screaming so much. screaming and laughing, laughing and screaming. My brother was concocting some kind of something in the oven, while Desiree fixed our trash situation. She also plucked Jason's eyebrows. Jason is a very awesome guy. I like hanging out with him a lot. I like hanging out with my brother too, and obviously with Des. In all seriousness, this was quite a precious summer night.

So I'm still tired. Not thinking about anything in particular. I'm gonna read some & go to sleep. rad.

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